Richo: Peto!

Peto: Richo!

Richo: Peto!

Peto: Richo!

Richo: No, we're not doin' that!

Peto: Not going into that.

Richo: Did you know ...

Peto: No.

Richo: People out there, that the ahh, the Sydney Airport, good ol' Mascot, as we call it ...

Peto: Used to be called, anyway.

Richo: Why, it's still called Mascot.

Peto: I thought it was called Sydney Airport now.

Richo: I don't know, no ... It's called FAC.

Peto: FAC?

Richo: Dat's right, it's called FAC.

Peto: You've gotta say that very carefully, don't you.

Richo: You do, you do.

Peto: Hey Richo ...

Richo: Yeah?

Peto: FAC off.

Richo: FAC, the Federal Airports Corporation.

Peto: That's exac ... Thank you ...

Richo: FAC.

Peto: FAC.

Richo: So ... FAC ... you. Ummm ...

Peto: Now FAC, ooh ...

Richo: Now ... now the federal minister for transport, who is ...

Peto: Ahh ... Sharpe.

Richo: Sharpie.

Peto: Hey, matie.

Richo: Good old Sharpie.

Peto: Gotcha, woah.

Richo: I tell you what, he's a, he's a bit of a, he's a, he's a bit thin up top. He is ...

Peto: He's a liberal.

Richo: Well ... that goes without saying. And what he's gonna do ... he's had this wonderful idea ...

Peto: Wonderful.

Richo: That the government, can umm, can help, with the Olympics. Now ...

Peto: Funny that.

Richo: Now there's these studies and fings, that are saying, well we need money for doing up Homebush.

Peto: We do.

Richo: Because the budget on them plastic gloves is gonna be quite, quite astronomical.

Peto: Wooah.

Richo: For those who heard our show a few weeks ago.

Peto: And what is going to be the big problem, is the Geiger counters everyone's gotta wear.

Richo: The Geiger counters everyone's gotta wear, yeah ...

Peto: Bit of a problem.

Richo: And umm, all those sorts of fings, and ahh, well the afletes gotta stay ...

Peto: Mmm ...

Richo: And the fact that a lot of the stadiums aint been built yet. Which is gonna be a bit difficult, for people to frow things in, which is what they do in the Olympics.

Peto: No, they can still go out there on the big, grassy knoll, and throw it.

Richo: The grassy knoll.

Peto: The grassy knoll.

Richo: They could go out on the grassy knoll. I didn't know they had grassy knolls in ...

Peto: I don't mind goin' ...

Richo: In Homebush.

Peto: I don't mind some of those athletes getting on the old grassy knoll. Mmm ... Peeow!

Richo: And ahh, yeah the shootin'.

Peto: Yeah shootin'.

Richo: Err, huntin'.

Peto: Huntin'.

Richo: Fishin'.

Peto: Fishin'.

Richo: The ahh, and ahh, so there's a lot of, a lot of ways that the government can help out, they can, they can, they can, do up a lot of the harbour areas.

Peto: They can.

Richo: They can do that. And could umm ... do up Darling Harbour and umm ...

Peto: Oh, that'd be fun.

Richo: And you know, the government can do a lot for makin' a good impression for the Olympics.

Peto: It can.

Richo: Now good ol' Sharpie ...

Peto: Sharpie!

Richo: Sharpie. Umm ... came into a bit of a, a bit of a, let's say surplus or whatever. He weckons that he can spend eight hundred million dollars ...

Peto: Mmm ...

Richo: And get dis, it won't affect the budget. Now I wanna s ... I wanna s ...

Peto: I wanna ...

Richo: I wanna know, where he's pulling eight, eight hundred million dollars ...

Peto: Mate, you don't wanna know.

Richo: That won't affect the budget.

Peto: You don't wanna know.

Richo: I wanna know, is he gonna clean it before he uses it? And, he's gonna ...

Peto: Put it this way, Peter Costello walks very funny.

Richo: Oooh, he can do that anyway. And ahh ... Good old Peto ...

Peto: Old Peto.

Richo: Old Pe ... Old Costello.

Peto: Or Peto two, as we call him.

Richo: Or, Abott, as we used to call him.

[ They break up laughing ]

Peto: Dickwad, that's what we used to call him.

Richo: Oh yeah, but he, but he didn't like that one.

Peto: Oh, I know he did ...

Richo: We called him Abott, and we used to say, well no, it's a sign of respect.

Peto: Oh, yeah.

Richo: As if you're like a bit abott or something. You know, he's a bit fick up top. And ahh, you know, you put people in charge and ahh ...

Peto: Exactly.

Richo: Anyway, and ahh, so, he's gonna throw, this is the Sharpie, Sharpie. He's gonna throw eight hundred million bucks.

Peto: Yep.

Richo: Ahh, into the kitty, for umm, for, assisting the Olympics. Guess what he's gonna do Peto?

Peto: Ahh let me think, is he going to ...

Richo: Out of all these great ideas, we could ahh, we could spend the money on.

Peto: Is he going to build a stadium?

Richo: No. He's not going to build a stadium.

Peto: Is he gonna, ahh ... fix the public transport?

Richo: No. He's going to leave the public transport right where it is, even though it's his portfolio.

Peto: Uhuh. Is he gonna go and put up one of those nice big flags that says welcome to Sydney?

Richo: No. He's not gonna do that either.

Peto: What is he gonna do, Richo?

Richo: He's not gonna do any of that, and I admire the man for his foughts. You know what he's gonna do?

Peto: Wot?

Richo: He's gonna spend eight hundred million dollars of non-budget surplus ...

Peto: Well, Peter Costello's surplus.

Richo: On doin' up our airport.

[ They break up laughing ]

Peto: What a guy!

Richo: What a guy!

Peto: What a guy!

Richo: I tell you, I tell you, you know, last time I came frough customs, I was standing there thinkin', you know I'm just standin' there ...

Peto: What you were thinkin' was I hope they don't check that false bottom in my bag.

[ They break up laughing ]

Richo: Well, that's the first thing I'm thinking. How the beep am I gonna get through here now? A bit too many on this morning. You know, I rang up Ralphy, and I said, you know, are you gonna make sure that they're sory of off to the side this morning 'cause I'm commin' frough. And I fink, I fink he forgot. And I'm finkin', oh shit.

Peto: That's what I'd be thinkin'.

Richo: Basically. Yeah, and ...

Peto: That's what I'd be thinkin'.

Richo: Lucky I've got my overnight bag with me, with a, with a new pair of underpants. And ahh, no, and aside from that, and then I had one liddle thought, as I'm, as I'm thinkin', well I might stand here for a bit longer. I'm thinkin', this airport could bit of, do a bit of doin' up.

Peto: Bootification.

Richo: Bootification. I mean it's only been a year since we had the last upgrade.

Peto: Exactly, so a bit more bootification.

Richo: And I, I reckoned, you know like a, a million buck sign along the inside that said "AIRPORT", for example. You know ...

[ They break up laughing ]

Peto: Provided to you, by John Sharpe.

Richo: By Sharpie!

Peto: By Sharpie!

Richo: Yeah.

Peto: That's what you need.

Richo: But not as, not as big as "AIRPORT". Like, "AIRPORT" would be the biggest letters, like in ...

Peto & Richo: Helvetica.

Peto: Yeah.

Richo: For example.

Peto: For example.

Richo: And then we could have, preceeded by "Sharpie", still in Helvetica, you know ...

Peto: You know ...

Richo: Stuff it. Still in Helvetica.

Peto: All in Helvetica.

Richo: All in Helvetica.

Peto: All in Helvetica.

Richo: And ummm ... yeah I think it'd be a good sign.

Peto: I think it'd be a great sign.

Richo: And ahh ... what he reckons is ahh, the money will be raised ...

Peto: Mmm ...

Richo: By charges at the airport.

Peto: Uhuh.

Richo: So what are they gonna do, they're gonna call the flights late, and have people run on, and there's gonna be a big charge at the end ...

Peto & Richo: Charge!

Richo: And it'll be like, "Ahh, people going to London on QF1, your flight leaves in"

Richo and Peto: "Fifteen seconds."

[ They break up laughing ]

Peto: Yeah, "your time starts"

Richo and Peto: "Now!"

Peto: Or ... or they might be chargin' forty eight fousand bucks for a bottle of Coke.

Richo: Or the McDonalds there.

Peto: Can I have a Big Mac please, yeah, certainly, would you like to mortgage your house sir?

[ They break up laughing ]

Richo: Would you like an airline with that hamburger?

Peto: Yes.

Richo: You know. Would you like the, the airline fuel grade Coke?

Peto: Or ... Or would, or would you like some new Corinthian pyl ... columns, with that sir?

Richo: With those fries.

Peto: With those fries. Or would you like the columns instead of the fries?

[ They break up laughing ]

Richo: Instead of the fries.

Peto: Cause you could dip the columns in the, in the shake.

Richo: That's right.

Peto: That works quite well.

Richo: Yeah, that's right.

Peto: Yeah.

Richo: There's a good muffin shop at the airport, by the way.

Peto: Oh there, oh there is.

Richo: It's a very good muffin shop, oooh ...

Peto: Oooooh ...

Richo: Would you like a beepin' big muffin?

Peto: Uhhh ...

Richo: Like a ten storey high muffin.

[ They break up laughing ]

Peto: Like a seven four seven size muffin.

Richo: Seven four seven size muffin.

Peto: Yeah.

Richo: Yeah, so charges at the airport, I fink he might have let ... people walking around saying, you know, rattling tins, you know, "A dollar for Sharpie?"

[ They break up laughing ]

Richo: "Dollar for Sharpie?" I fink.

Peto: "Support the Sharp, Sharpation"

Richo and Peto: "Sharpation Army"

Richo: That's the one. "Support the big sign over there."

[ They break up laughing ]

Richo: That's right.

Peto: "AIRPORT" ...

Richo: No, they might have a liddle ...

Peto: Helvetica.

Richo: They might, they might have lights behind the sign, and a liddle slot down the bottom, you know, two bucks to light the sign for fifteen seconds. Yeah know, and we save electricity at the same time.

Peto: Exactly.

Richo: Yeah.

Peto: Or what they might actually have, is coin operated doors.

Richo: Coin operated doors.

Peto: Only get in the airport if you actually put in seven hundred and fifty two hundred dollars.

Richo: Oh, Pauline would like that one, you know, put in a dollar, you get into the country.

Peto: Mmmm ...

Richo: Yeah.

Peto: She'd actually ...

Richo: Got two bucks?

Richo: Hi ho, chi cho, chi cho.

Richo: Sorry, you can't come in.

Peto: Exactly, or she could ...

Richo: You got two bucks?

Richo: But I haven't changed my money yet.

Richo: Well go on then.

Richo: I can't until I get into the country.

Richo: Well, you should have fought of that before you came in.

[ They break up laughing ]

Peto: Exactly, I tell ya ... Sharpie ... it's ...

Richo: He's a clever man.

Peto: He's a smart man.

Richo: And the other way he's ...

Peto: He's intellectual.

Richo: Oh yeah. And the other way he's, other way he's, he's gonna raise money, he's gonna introduce ... landing fees.

Peto: Landing fees.

Richo: Landing fees. Now you remember Peto, when we used to have departure tax.

Peto: Twenty odd bucks.

Richo: Otherwise known as a way of gisting the public for sixty bucks.

Peto: Sixty bucks?

Richo: Or something like that. It was twenty bucks originally, or, and I think it got up to sixty or something like that. But umm ... yeah, well the hide of people, chargin' you to leave the country.

Peto: Yeah.

Richo: Yeah.

Peto: I know, it's ...

Richo: It's ridiculous. And then people complained about it, so then they scrapped it and we don't do it no, oh actually it's included into the airline ticket, but it's as if you're not really doing it, like ...

Peto: You don't know about it.

Richo: Exactly. You go buy something at a shop, you know, and tax is in there, but you don't know.

Peto: You just say, ooh ...

Richo: You say, oh a buck thirty ...

Peto: Seventy eight bucks for a bottle of Coke.

Richo: Seventy eight bucks for a bottle of Coke. Exactly.

Peto: Makes sense.

Richo: Eight bucks goes to the government.

Peto: Yeah.

Richo: Yeah. So does the seventy actually, but ...

Peto: So does the seventy actually.

Richo: And ahh, where was I? I have no idea where I was.

Peto: Landing tax.

Richo: Landing tax.

Peto: Yeah.

Richo: So they thought, well, we've gotten away with that one, why not bring in a landing tax as well?

Peto: So it costs you to get into the country, and to get out of the place.

Richo: And get out of the place. Exactly. They may as well put a slot machine there.

Peto: Yeah, exactly. Ching-ching.

Richo: Ching-ching. You know, and have a little sign, oh there we go, he can spend more money on ...

Peto: On a sign.

Richo: On a sign that says "No fives and ten cent pieces", you could have that.

Peto: "By order of Sharpie."

Richo: "By order of Sharpie", in Helvetica.

Peto: In Helvetica.

Richo: Helvetica. That's the one. Mmm ...

Peto: I tell ya, this man, is a visionary.

Richo: Oh he is.

Peto: Because I think air ... I think he'll be able to sell this idea to airports around the world.

Richo: Oh.

Peto: Like it'll be like, in France it'll be "LA AIRPORT".

Richo: "LA AIRPORTE"

Peto: "LA AIRPORTE"

Richo: Yeah.

Peto: And of course, in ahh, Spanish ...

Richo: In Spanish.

Peto: It'll be ...

Richo: It'll be ahh ...

Peto: "AIRPORT OLE"

Richo: "AIRPORT OLE"

Peto: "AIRPORT OLE"

Richo: "From Sharpe"

Peto: "From Sharpe"

Richo: "Sharpe"

Peto: Exactly, "AIRPORT OLE, from Sharpe"

Richo: And in the States it would be "AIRPORT YOU MOTHER BEEPER"

Peto: It would be.

Richo: It would be.

Peto: And ahh ...

Richo: "Sponsored by McDonalds"

[ They break up laughing ]

Peto: "And Coca-Cola"

Richo: "And Coca-Cola"

Peto: In England of course it would be "DAMN FINE AIRPORT, CHAP"

Richo: "CHAP"

Peto: "by Sharpie"

Richo: "by Sharpie"

Peto: "Esquire"

Richo: "Esquire", "Esq."

Peto: "Esq." And can you think of any other ...

Richo: In Helvetica.

Peto: In Helv ... of course, everything's in Helvetica.

Richo: Oh yeah.

Peto: Yeah. Those people ... I know a lot of people, a lot of designers have Helvetica fetishes, and that's fair enough.

Richo: That's right.

Peto: There's no problem with that.

Richo: And ahh, what he says is ahh, the ahh, he says it's called, he calls this a "hefty project."

Peto: Hefty's a word for it.

Richo: A hefty ... I'm sure it's weighin' on his mind.

Peto: At eight hundred million dollars, it ...

Richo: Eight hundred million dollars of non-budget surplus.

Peto: Exactly.

Richo: And it ahh, he says it's going to be the federal government's major contribution to the success of the 2000 Olympics. I couldn't think of a better way of welcoming our guests than a bloody great big sign saying ...

Peto & Richo: "AIRPORT"

Peto: "by Sharpie."

Richo: "by Sharpie.". And he says it's helping to encourage tourism.

Peto: Yeah.

Richo: I don't how it encourages tourism.

Peto: It's costing them more to get in.

Richo: So what, people catch planes and hop around until they see an airport they like?

Peto: Yeah exactly.

Richo: That's how it encourages tourism.

Peto: Oooh, that's a bit grotty that one, I think I'll ...

Richo: You know, you'll come through customs, and you'll say, "oooh, nice sign"

Peto: Wooah.

Richo: "Oooh, I might stay here a few days."

Peto: Exactly, ooooh and the security guards are walkin' to the left, oh the ...

[ They break up laughing ]

Peto: Walking to the left, wooah ...

Richo: Ralphy's on the case.

Peto: Not a problem.

Richo: Yeah, but not that day, ey. And ahh, I tell you, a lot of plastic gloves used that day.

Peto: I'm sure there were.

Richo: By creatin', by creating a good first impression.

Peto: Reflux mate, reflux.

Richo: Reflux. And, he says, the good, these people, umm ... they reckon they could handle the extra passengers, 'cause they reckon it'll bring in new passengers, with a major improvement of facilities, umm, and by directing umm, more flights to arrive, get this, during the quieter periods, between eleven am and four pm. Umm ... maybe he should ask a few of the ahh, surrounding suburbs, when they fink the quieter periods are.

Peto: Yeah.

Richo: I fink the quieter periods are ...

Peto: About two am to six am ...

Richo: No, ahhh, two am to ...

Richo and Peto: two oh one am.

[ They break up laughing ]

Richo: When there's no planes scheduled at all at that time.

Peto: Exactly.

Richo: Yeah, exactly.

Peto: You know what the funny thing is. That there is in fact no planes scheduled to go over, Gladesville.

Richo: No Gladesville.

Peto: Nothing goes over Gladesville.

Richo: No, because Gladesville of course, is the seat of the man himself.

Peto: Sharpie?

Richo: Sharpie? No, no, no, no.

Peto: No, D man.

Richo: D man. That's the one.

Peto: Yeah.

Richo: Yes. The main, the main ...

Peto: The main man. The glassed dude.

Richo: Da wot?

Peto: The glassed dude.

Richo: The glassed dude.

Peto: The glassed dude.

Richo: The midget from hell.

Peto: The midget from hell.

Richo: Who isn't actually a midget ...

Peto: Yeah.

Richo: He just looks like one on TV.

Peto: He just ... exactly. Don't ya love how TV makes you look shorter.

Richo: Yeah, what ...

Peto: And fatter ...

Richo: What song are you going to by the way?

Peto: I got ahhh, I got the Nugget, and I got ahh ...

[ They break up laughing ]

Richo: Oh the Nugget ...

Peto: The Hendrix meister.

Richo: What's the Hendrix song, just gimme a hint.

Peto: Ahh ...

Richo: Maybe we can lead into this fing.

Peto: Six ...

Richo: Six.

Peto: I've got cued at the moment, but ...

Richo: Yeah umm ...

Peto: You gimme one.

Richo: I don't know.

Peto: You think.

Richo: We could ahh, oh I know what we could do, no we did that one last week. Umm ...

Peto: Doesn't work if we do it twice in a row, does it.

Richo: No, not really. Oh, you don't have that one either. Oh, I don't know.

Peto: Come on.

Richo: Oh, come on, oh, oh, oh, maybe number one.

Peto: Number one, alright, number one is ...

Richo: I don't know why, I just sort of picked that one.

Peto: Cued.

[ pause ]

Peto: Shall we.

Richo: OK, why don't we, why don't we do this, this is for Sharpie, I don't know why, I'm trying to work the name into it, but ahh, this is for Sharpie, a man of great forfight, Peto.

Peto: He is a man of great forfight.

Richo: Great forfight ... and I look forward, personally, to umm, apart from slipping frough customs unnoticed ... umm seeing ...

Peto: Yeah, thanks Ralph.

Richo: Thanks Ralph. Ahh, seeing the big sign at Sydney Airport, for the Olympics ...

Richo and Peto: "AIRPORT, by Sharpie"

[ The Jimi Hendrix version of "All along the watchtower" kicks in ]

This is from the Richo and Peto breakfast show on Monday the 17th of March 1997.